Empire S.N.A.F.U.

Things I learned from dystopian movies

In the future…

…we will all be wearing one of the following fashion choices:
1) leather & strapped-on Uzis
2) pristine white pajamas
3) severe 1940s suits
4) unisex dirty coveralls

…you will have many more economic opportunities to legally murder people, either by becoming a government assassin or a professional athlete. There will be a lot of money in these new bloodsport game shows. Even American Idol will not be able to resist the ratings.

…familial ties will be weakened or outlawed altogether, so you will have more time to concentrate on the demands of your benevolent Masters. For those of you who dread Thanksgiving with your folks, this is a plus.

…food is going to suck. It will be one or more of the following:
1) pills
2) canned
3) Grandma

…to take your mind off the food, you will get access to a lot of bitchin’ pharmaceutical drugs.

…digital cable will be a complete failure–televisions will only have flickering images and plenty of analog “snow.”

…user-friendly computer operating systems will be wiped out by a global nuclear meltdown and you will have to relearn DOS.

…there will be one goth/punk/industrial club playing terrible, incongruous techno music. It will be the only safe place to discuss your secret plans to overthrow the government/corporation/space-alien overlords with your cohorts. You will not have to yell over the music.

…love will be forbidden. Which will make it so much hotter.

…you will be able to have sex with robots and not have to worry about VD or where to go for brunch. However, you will have to worry about your genitals being accidentally/deliberately mutilated.

…sex with other humans will either be 1) prohibited, or 2) encouraged as long as no lasting attachments are formed. See “love.”

…if you are a man, you will most likely be inspired to “see the light” (i.e. the corruption of the government/corporation/space-alien overlords) through the influence of a beautiful young woman. If you allow yourself to be tempted by her alluring glances and stash of banned books, be prepared to:
1) be tortured and killed by goons
2) become a brainwashed zombie
3) the leader of a new utopia

There are no alternatives.

…if you are a woman, be prepared to be one of the following:
1) a butch (but sexy) helpmate to the male leader of the resistance
2) a femme fatale who will rat the resistance out to “The Order”
3) a butch (but sexy) leader of a new utopia

There are no alternatives.

…if you are a dog… good luck, buddy. Hope you have telepathy or are really, really cute.